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So this guy in my dorm and I have a stress-relieving relationship - the day before we both had tests we decided to go for a quickie in his room. We're doing it doggie-style standing up, me leaned over a desk when he says he's about to come. I lifted my head to turn around & swallow but hit my head on a shelf above the desk, i fell backwards, hitting his junk & blue-balling the bitch and passed out for apparently an hour. I woke up naked to him and his friend sitting on the bed watching tv laughing at me. I'm so bad at sex
melonrageous on May 13th, 2009 | Comments: 1
During first year I ended up bringing home a girl who really liked the band Taking Back Sunday. After blasting it for some time and waking up everyone on my floor she decided to subject me to the worst sex of my young life. Afterwards I rolled over and turned on my xbox to Madden 05. She asked if she could play, wanting her to get out of my room desperately, I told her it was a one person game. I played for half an hour without acknowledging her until she got the hint and left. I'm so bad at sex.
gossipgirl on April 14th, 2009 | Comments: 2
Sounds like you're good at sex (3)
I was in grade seven (I was a pretty big vixen back then), anyway me and my boyfriend had discussed the idea of doing the nasty after school one day. I told him to meet me at my place around five o'clock, the dude was excited as hell to lose his virginity, and I was just sort of excited to lose mine to him. I really thought he was in incredible guy. Anyway, five o'clock rolls a round and he doesn't show up, I wait, and wait... he never shows. Later that night I call him at his house and ask why he didn't show up, his response will cripple my ego until the day I die, he said, "Sorry, Dave (his friend) just got a first edition Zapdos card and I had to go see it." A Pokemon card, access to my vagina was less valuable to him than a Pokemon card. I'm so bad at sex.
mtl-gal on April 16th, 2009 | Comments: 7
So my best friend and I were house-sitting in the summer and one night we had two girls over and drank. He was all over the one girl all night, and she got pretty into him as the night went on. But the other girl was an ice queen, so I peace to a computer and start inviting other girls. I invite some random over, start macking her on the couch with said ice queen on it, she leaves. I take the girl upstairs, and I rail her on the parents bed of the house we're housesitting, then on the hallway floor, then out on the balcony. After this, my drunk level goes down a bit and I realize "oh god, what the shit am I doing?" So I make an excuse about her having to leave, and she wants me to walk her home, (she lives less than five minutes) and while I would in most instances, not this time. I go back downstairs where my best friend and this girl are supposed to be, I notice they're not in the hangout room. So I kick open the door to the teenage daughters room in this house, and there they are, both naked in the bed, she's on top of him. May I note, this would be the second girl he's ever had sex with. (I guess they were JUST seconds from insertion) So while a good friend would apologise and peace and be happy for his buddy. I run in, jump on the bed, scream loudly and just totally slay the mood, I then turn off the lights and leave. I go upstairs and chill on msn for like ten minutes, before descending to the basement again. I enter the room, and they're in the EXACT same position as before, seconds from insertion. I do the exact same thing as before, jump around, scream loudly, and just be generally obnoxious. Best part: I turn off the lights and close the door, but rather than leaving, I lay down on the floor quietly. They have the initial awkward converstation "Oh he's a jerk, whatever, it doesn't matter" and he's trying SO hard just to not make her leave. He's "Oh come on i know mike, he'd never do it again, I promise, he's just trying to be spiteful to me, I know it, I promise." She's unsure, but after a little more convincing, she gives in, and I hear the macking start. So I start crawling towards the bed, and they stop, I hear her voice "Wait....I THINK HE'S ON THE FLOOR" He jumps up "NO FUCKING WAY, THERE'S NO WAY HE'S THAT MUCH OF AN ASSHOLE." I get up, jump around and run out. He chases after me naked "YOU DID THIS TO ME, WHY, WHY!!!" So I bike to McDonalds, got a mcchicken and a big mac, ate them both in the parking lot, biked halfway home, puked, and then went home, because I know he'd do something awful to me if I stayed there. I'm so bad at sex.
Mike;Farewell on April 19th, 2009 | Comments: 2
After a few months of a solid relationship, I breached the topic of anal sex with my girlfriend. To my surprise, she consented.After assuming the position (doggy) we got down to business. Being the gentleman that I am, I took things very slowly. Once it was in about an inch and she said she was ok, I figured that was it, and that I could go about my business normally. Unfortunately, this wasn't the case. As I made the first thrust she let out a yelp of pain accompanied by what can only be described as an anal death-grip on my poor willy. She had a sphincter that could snap a baseball bat. As the vice tightened on me, I panicked furiously. Putting one hand on either cheek I pushed hard whilst crying out in pain. It seemed that the harder I tried to release myself the worse it got. After several minutes or screaming at her to please please release me, I decided that calmness was the way forward. After what seemed like an eternity I managed to withdraw and tend to my blue johnson. Another couple of minutes and I'd have lost him. Fortunately, we laugh about that night now. I'm so bad at sex.
PainfulMemories on April 19th, 2009 | Comments: 4
Sounds like you're good at sex (2)
A few months ago I was hooking up with a girl while insanely inebriated, like I'm talking five-alarm fucked. I had ingested, to quote Hunter S, "a whole galaxy of uppers, downers, laughers, screamers," the only logical course of action was sex at this point. The problem was I literally had no idea how do it, I couldn't remember. My first problem was finding my penis, it had shriveled away into a prunish nub due to my dehydration, I found the little critter and we (said critter and girl) started going at it. It was probably the blood rushing to my head and the drugs flushing my system clean of anything rational, but I was starting to see things. The second problem came when the girl appeared to have four vaginas, I was seeing quadruple, I was able to get my wits about me enough to understand that this wasn't some four vagined-land monster, no, I was the monster. But I had to pick a vagina to stick it into, I felt like I was on some twisted Japanese game show, where picking the wrong hole would spell certain doom. I closed my eyes, prayed to whatever deity covers these sorts of dilemmas and hoped for the best. Bad decision, she slapped me and kicked me out of her apartment, to this day I don't know where I stuck my penis, I can only hope the next time I see her at the bar she isn't wearing an eye-patch. I'm so bad at drugs, I'm so bad at sex.
sadsack on April 20th, 2009 | Comments: 6
Once I went to visit a friend at his college. The first night I'm there, after drinking an absurd amount of alcohol, I see a really cute girl from my high school at a house party. We end up leaving my friend at the party and head to her place. One thing leads to another and we start fooling around. I get hard quick, and start to think about how long it's been since I've blown a load, and how quickly I would therefore expire. Like the idiot I am, I suggest we go to the bar to get some more drinks thinking that the booze would make me last a bit longer. We go, have a few beers, and dance all around the bar. When we finally get back to her place, we resume our heated activities. Needless to say I was way too drunk and couldn't get hard for shit. To make matters worse, I didn't acknowledge this fact; and because I was so wasted, I asked for a condom. After failing to fit not one but two different condoms onto my limp dick, I uttered "why don't we just finish this tomorrow morning?" The girl laughed and put her underwear back on. I woke up with the fattest boner and a set of blue balls to match. I never got laid because I'm so bad at sex.
Hbomb on April 20th, 2009 | Comments: 0
During my first sexual experience with my current girlfriend, after a few light ales we got cosy on the sofa in front of possibly the lamest film ever broadcast. Needless to say it wasn't long before we had gotten bored and started the love. After our clothes had been flung across the room she attempted, to what I can only describe as some sort of mounting move. After lifting one leg over me her supporting leg slipped of the sofa and my penis then felt the full force of a falling lady, I was in agony. Sir Edmond Hillary would be spinning in his grave. But never the less, like a true trooper I continued the dirty deed until I managed to shoot my load all over her ample and lovley boobs. Upon closer inspection my jizz turned out to be mixed with blood, this poor lass now covered in bloody jizz had broken some blood vesseles in my shaft. I'm so bad at sex
oasisfan101 on April 20th, 2009 | Comments: 0
Sounds like you're good at sex (1)
I have this quirky method of prolonging my ability to hold my yogurt longer. Instead of thinking of dead puppies or baseball during sex I try to scare my self. On one particular occasion It worked too well. The aforementioned occasion happened at my current girlfriend's house. It was my first time there so I was somewhat unfamiliar with her front door, which has seen some abuse. Anyway, we got started with the baby making process, and I'm trying my best to make this last a while since we just started hooking up. After about 30 mins into it I resort to the ace up my sleeve, which is scaring my self. I'm staring at her closet door, which was particularly freaky because she had left the light on inside it. That's when I start thinking of all sorts of weird shit popping out from her closet door. I'm pretty sure the blob, the venus fly trap from the little shop of horrors, and some of the dolls from puppet master made an appearance. After about 45 mins her front door flies open and slams against the wall. Apparently if her front door is locked before you close it it wont completely shut. Needless to say all those horror movie critters came cascading thru my mind all at once and I jumped like a little bitch and grabbed the heaviest object I could find near her bed, which happened to be a stone buddha. She was laughing histerically cause she knew exactly wtf was going on. I had no idea so I'm slowly approaching the front door butt naked with a raging hard on carrying a stone buddha. Needless to say I'm so bad at sex.
Denag on April 20th, 2009 | Comments: 0
My girlfriend at the time and I were real nymphos. At every possible moment we could have sex, we usually capitalized. So we arrived at her house horny as usual, and no one was home except her dad who was outside doing yardwork. We quickly ended up in her bedroom and stripped down naked. Knowing that anyone could enter the house, we kept it fairly quite. Anyway, she was on top and I was starting to feel the tingling sensation of complete satisfaction. Suddenly the door opens and I hear her sisters voice, "and this is my younger sisters bedroo......oh my god!". My girlfriend flies off me and covers herself and I, still feeling the mind numbing forces at work in my dick, fail to hold the load thats building inside me. Standing at the door is her older sister, with two of her new college friends in tow. Imagine going on a tour of your new friends house expecting to see a empty bedroom, but in turn are treated to my fountain of fun. How humiliating. I'm so bad at holding my load, I'm so bad at sex.
surpriseIcame on April 21st, 2009 | Comments: 1
