i'msobadatsex

I decided to have sex with a boy because he looked like Jesus. I was really drunk and my parents were extremely religious when I was growing up, so I've always had this pent up sexual rage against Jesus. Not only did I call him Jesus during sex, I made reference to Judas and Pontius Pilate numerous times as well as when things got heated I would gouge my finger nails into his back. He said, "This is really really weird" and left when after the sex I mounted his back and told him to piggy back me around the house with my arms out. I'm so bad at sex.

I was just leaving an electro show absolutely plastered on  my drug of choice, ketamine. For all you kids at home, ketamine, or k, is used to tranquilize animals, yes  that's right I'm an idiot. Anyway, this girl with the words "FUCK" tattooed on her neck whom I had been dancing with asked me to come home. This is a rare opportunity for me at a club, because usually I'm more concerned with  the fact I can see the planet Neptune out of the corner of my eye than any member of the opposite sex. Anyway, with my last ounce of rationality, I ask, "do you have a condom?" She said, "no, but fuck it I'm clean," cleanliness had not been a issue for me (pregnancy was). Cleanliness however became THE factor when I realized what I was dealing with: I'm not sure what alien from Mos Eisley Space Port  last had sex with her, but he most definitely did  not pull out. Reaching for any sort of  protection I could find, I grabbed my baggy for ketamine and sort of wrapped it around my head. Kids, this  will be your second lesson, if there is any remaining ketamine in this bag, as soon as you get hard your dick will sting a thousand stings. I wanted to stop, I HAD TO STOP! but tattoo girl was stiill clipping  hard on the uppers  she was on and I knew she would be able to take me in at least hand  to  hand  combat. So when we changed positions, I ran out the  door reaching for any articles of clothing I could find. My spoils: a sock, and  her torn t-shirt that had "slut" written on it. The sock came in handy as it acted as a little snuggie for my severaly injured penis. Regardless though, walking home in the winter in Montreal, with a torn t-shirt that says slut and a snuggie around your penis, isn't the most amazing way to cap off your night. I'm so bad at sex.

So, a few years ago I got reall trashed and decided to have a 1 night stand.  Naked, beligerant, with a stranger, back of my car, and in view of several others at a bonfire.  Me and the guy getting down to business when I realized I had to puke.  We were conveniently doing it doggy-style, so I simply had to open the door I was facing and take care of business.  Moments later, he was puking out his side of the door, as well.  Recovered, I was layed back in the car with my face near his ass.  Presumably from the force of vomiting, he let a few farts slip, right in my face.  Luckily, we were able to laugh it off, but I am still so bad at sex.

So me and my girlfriend were at my buddy Dereks house last winter; after all of us got drunk at around 5 a.m. we were ready to crash. While me and my girl were settling on the floor in Derek's room next to two of my other friends we started to hear the sound of Derek and his girlfriend in the bed above us fucking. Naturally I wanted to show him up, so with the hot piece of ass my girlfriend is she didnt mind joining in the competition. It was going well for the first two minutes, but then she started complaning that her leg kept touching one of my friends leg that was laying on the floor next to her, and I being in the drunken state got limp. We tried everything for a good 10 minutes to get me hard again but I was to drunk to fuck, so not only was I depressed I couldnt get laid but I had to lay there and listen to Derek fuck his girlfriend like a racehorse for about 2,000 minutes. I am so bad at sex.

During my senior year the fam had flown half way across the country and I stayed behind to finish tests and host a party. At the end of the night, my girlfriend and I made our way to the bedroom. Despite our inebriated states, she began her legendary oral in doggy position facing me who was standing at the side of the bed. With eyes closed and staring at the ceiling I looked down to see why she had slowed. The girl actually passed out on all fours with my bone in her mouth. I'd be lying if I said that I didn't take two or three thrusts before determining that it wasn't nearly as good and called it a night. I'm so bad at sex.

So I'm with a bunch of friends and we're drinking our misery of being single, broke, and bored away. I suddenly realize that the person who's been on my mind the entire week was my ex. My ex who was going to marine boot camp in 2 days. So my "friends" convince me to drunk dial him and see where it goes.Apparently where it went was to his house at 4 am, drunk off my ass with my friends cheering me on. We get naked, its going pretty good and we try doggy style. Halfway through that, I pretty much fall asleep from the alcohol and the fact that its like 5 in the morning by now.He was still going and to this day, I don't know if he noticed I was asleep until he came.And I also have a tendency to snore.. soooo..yea. imsobadatsexxxxx

I had been hooking up with this guy for a few months and things were starting to get serious.  After a night of drinking and partying we headed back to his room and started messing around.  All of a sudden the dinner I had had a few hours earlier began to violently disagree with me.  Attempting to suppress the sounds from my stomach, I told him I wasn't feeling well and rolled over to go to sleep.  Not too long after we had drifted off I was awoken by an explosion of farts.  Unfortunately it woke the guy up as well and all he could say was, "whoa, what the....?"  Shocked and embarrassed I leapt out of bed and ran all the way back to my building in his boxers, tshirt, and heels.  Lets just say I had to run those boxers through the wash a few times.  I'm not sure if he was too drunk to remember it, or if he was simply too embarrassed for me to say anything, but the incident was never mentioned again.  His roommates, however, continue to ask why I bolted out of their room that night.  I'm so bad at sex.

So, this one time i was humping a girl in my truck. I mean, I was pumping away like a jackrabbit on steroids. I was under the impression that I was showing her how professionals do it, but then she said I wasn't in. turns out I was slippin' it between the butt-cheeks. I'm so bad at sex. 

I had just lost my virginity a few weeks ago, and was vacationing on an island off the coast of France. Needless to say, I was overly full of self-confidence/libido, but a little, ah, *tight* on actual sexual experience. Out at a club with some guys my friend and I had met, one thing started to seem like it was going to lead to another with this one Frenchman. We decided not to let his lack of a car, my extreme inebriation, or moral qualms get in our way, and left the club for "somewhere more private," a.k.a. the fence outside a nearby house. He started nailing me against the fence. Stark naked on a residential street and freaking out about being caught, I made him stop every time I thought I heard a car coming. Then we had to stop for real because he was much taller than me so had to hold me up, and his arms got tired. So we started having sex on the gravel of the driveway, with him on top. 45 minutes later, with gravel embedded into my back and ass, aching from the difference in diameter between my freshly deflowered vag and his freakishly short but thick dick, and wondering at the stamina of this Gallic Casanova, I had to ask him to stop. He started kind of hiccuping/sniffling (like you do when you're about to cry and really trying not to), presumably because he thought he was so shit awful or from the frustration, who knows. I don't know what was worse, finding the next day that it hurt to sit down, or finding out from my friend that it was his first time. I'm so bad at sex.

I was taking a girlfriend out to some bars on her last week in town before she moved away. We decided to have sex in my truck before we went into the bars. So i drove around the back of a building past a chain-link fence/gate where there were some parking spaces and we started going at it. Half way through someone got into a car next to us and drove away. When we were finished and were driving out to the street the fence was shut and locked. It was too big to run through with my truck so we had to jump it and leave my truck. It was one of those fences that have sharp points all along the top and both the girl and i got all cut up. We had to get a ride home from my roomate and bled all over his car. We didnt have sex again. I'm so bad at sex.