i'msobadatsex

So, a few years ago I got reall trashed and decided to have a 1 night stand.  Naked, beligerant, with a stranger, back of my car, and in view of several others at a bonfire.  Me and the guy getting down to business when I realized I had to puke.  We were conveniently doing it doggy-style, so I simply had to open the door I was facing and take care of business.  Moments later, he was puking out his side of the door, as well.  Recovered, I was layed back in the car with my face near his ass.  Presumably from the force of vomiting, he let a few farts slip, right in my face.  Luckily, we were able to laugh it off, but I am still so bad at sex.

I had been hooking up with this guy for a few months and things were starting to get serious.  After a night of drinking and partying we headed back to his room and started messing around.  All of a sudden the dinner I had had a few hours earlier began to violently disagree with me.  Attempting to suppress the sounds from my stomach, I told him I wasn't feeling well and rolled over to go to sleep.  Not too long after we had drifted off I was awoken by an explosion of farts.  Unfortunately it woke the guy up as well and all he could say was, "whoa, what the....?"  Shocked and embarrassed I leapt out of bed and ran all the way back to my building in his boxers, tshirt, and heels.  Lets just say I had to run those boxers through the wash a few times.  I'm not sure if he was too drunk to remember it, or if he was simply too embarrassed for me to say anything, but the incident was never mentioned again.  His roommates, however, continue to ask why I bolted out of their room that night.  I'm so bad at sex.

It was my birthday, and I was excited.  My birthday is April 1, that's right, April Fool's day!  I got home from work, and several of my friends had broken into my house and had a surprise party all set up for me.  It was awesome, keg beer, steaks, and a girl I had a crush on was there.  She'd been there a couple of hours, helping to set things up and waiting, drinking heavily (probably to get drunk enough to do me).We talked for a while, and she eventually took me to my bedroom to "blow out my candle".  She got me undressed, pushed me back on my bed, and started going down on me.  She was doing a magnificent job, when all hell broke loose.She gagged.  Now I am not that big, just an average guy, but damn if she didn't hit her gag reflex on my wank.  She threw up the barf of the drunk, which was pretty freaking gross and disgusting, but her projectile vomiting did not stop her from her appointed duties....she continued to "blow out my candle".  I had to leave, gagging and sick from the smell and the thought of her vomiting on me!  I showered, went back to the party, a little shy, and a little embarrassed.  Because she was drunk, she told everyone she gagged on me, and that it caused her to vomit.  I got a reputation of being a "big man" on campus, but I am not, nor am I even close to being a "big man".  I'm just a regular guy.I got a reputation of being "big", and a girl came over to the house to check it out.  After our "session", she cleared up the confusion about the size, which ended up being worse than being thought of as the guy who made chicks gag.  She told everyone I was "normal" (or small, depending on who you talked to).  It got around that I was NOT the "big man" everyone thought I was, and the rumor spread faster that I was NOT big.  I'm so bad at sex.

I had been terribly constipated for about 3 days, and a horrible satan poo was growing in my colon. I decided to start taking stool softeners to help ease out the hell poo. Anyway, my boyfried and I had been having sex throughout the ordeal without any major consequernces, but this was not the case on the third day. He literally fucked the shit out of me. My satan poo sloshed out of my colon and coated his penis in a brownish, greeny poo lacquer. I'm so bad at sex.

Last week I visited my boyfriend at his house & met his family for the first time.  Not seeing him for weeks, I decided to buy some new lingere for the occasion.  Soon after I was introduced to his family, we ran upstairs to his bedroom to have sex.  Wearing my new lingere & trying to be sexy, I blindfolded him.  I was licking his balls & just inserting one in my mouth when he violently kicked his leg in the air.  He's ridiculously ticklish.  His leg knocked me in the jaw & I clenched down on his ball and MY TEETH WENT HALF WAY THROUGH IT!  He's bleeding & screaming & there's ball blood in my mouth so I throw up all over his leg.  I called for his sister because I didn't know the fastest way to the hospital & he's in no condition to drive.  So the way there I'm holding the wound to stop the bleeding & holding ice on his balls while I'm explaining what happened to his sister I just met.  Meanwhile, I still have a corset on that is clearly visible through my tee shirt & she ends up calling his parents to the hospital.  Turns out he's terribly injured & he can't have sex for a month.  I'm so bad at sex.

Last weekend I was fucking this Kate Hudson/Kathy Griffin looking sweety and was acting the ride pretty hard. Acting-the-ride is the phrase I just made up meaning to be on bottom but providing the motion, also known as the power bottom. Thrusting faster and faster I lost track of the length of me penis leading to a pull out of her cootch and an accidental but powerful final thrust into her anus. She let out a loud scream, rolled over, and started crying while shaking back and forth on the laundry room floor of my fraternity house crying and grabbing her ass. Once I noticed blood on her hands I drove her to the hospital and took her to the E.R. but had to carry her in my arms because she was in too much pain to walk. I told the doctor she was my girlfriend just so it wouldn't look as bad or as slutty for her which led the doctor to assume he should tell ME that she should only eat blended food and liquids for the next three to five weeks. When I dropped her off at her apartment I apologized and let her know about her new diet for the month of May. Yesterday I found out she was a virgin, I'm so bad at sex.

I was visiting a friend at a near by college.  I met this random chick and was partying with her all night.  The time came and we started making out.  It was about 5am and the party was still going strong.  To get some privacy, me and her went into a closet.  We started having sex and she was really into it.  Slowly, a terrible smell started to invade the tiny closet.  I looked down and realized she just took a shit.  I literally boned the shit out of her.  It was gross.  She got shit all over the closet, on me, on her, everywhere.  I was so drunk that I didn't care.  I just laughed, said "shit happens" and walked back to my friends house naked and covered in shit. I am so bad at sex!

So one night I went to this party already a little drunk.  I got to the party and there was this girl there that I had already hooked up with a few times.  After a few more drinks, we started making out again and I decided I would go back to her dorm room.  By the time I got to her dorm, I was hammered, and after a few minutes of sex I decided I couldnt hold in my pee anymore and pulled on a pair of jeans and ran outside.  Little did I know that it was an all girls floor and there was no guys bathroom.  Being as drunk as I was, I decided to rip off the condom that I was still wearing under my jeans and just pee in the stairwell.  Unfortunately, the door to the hall locked, and I had to get an RA to let me back on the floor.  I got back to the room, where the girl was waiting, but was too drunk to continue and just passed out on her roommates bed.  Needless to say when her roommate came in the next morning to find me naked on her bed it was pretty awkward.  I'm so bad at sex.

I was on my period and my boyfriend was horny so he convinced me to do anal.  It was going alright, but needed a little lubrication, so he decided some spit would do the trick. He pulled out and went in to spit, as he did this he spread my cheaks, which in turn caused me to fart…directly in his mouth. I’m so bad at sex.

The night started well enough with a few of us sharing a bottle of vodka, and we realized we weren't drunk enough and thought it would be a brilliant idea if we just went ahead and finished a second one.  The plan was to go out to a club and go dancing, I definitely need to be drunk to enjoy that, so this was going great.  Last thing I remember is sitting on the floor and smiling up at this guy I hooked up with once.  The next morning, I woke up on the couch all confused and drunk.  I called one of my missing roommates who told me to go over to her room and look behind her bed.  It was my bra filled with my own puke!  Awesome!  So I guess what happened was after a bunch of drunken nonsense, I was fooling around with him, we had gotten as far as topless and pants were undone when apparently I passed out right on top of him.  My roommate walked in and I guess we were both passed out, me right ontop of him, when all of a sudden I puked RIGHT over his head onto the floor.  He was pinned under my body and just cried for help from my roommate who had to help put my shirt back on me as I was still passed the fuck out.  It ended with the guy carrying me to the couch and calling up a less drunk girl, and spending the night there.  I'm so bad at sex.